This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
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Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty