Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
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“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
#DesignFail
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*