i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
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I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
when dads have a rap battle
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks