Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
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Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.