I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
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No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
it was love at first sight
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Meme Monday.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that