True embarrassment lies within your first email address
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[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
$4 #usedbooks
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue