LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
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Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
is this a threat
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.