[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
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*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Plant care tips
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.