I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
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Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.