I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
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Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
🙅🏻
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My dating profile:
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
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I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age