9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
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Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I only treason on days ending in y
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?