If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
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Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I would like even faster food.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.