I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married