If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
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Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.