Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
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“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.