“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
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This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.