The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
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I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I know
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me if I was a dog
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.