Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
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I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
my sentiments exactly
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Happy Star Wars day!
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Sending in my taxes
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.