I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
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If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance