“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
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it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
My Guy
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT