Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
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MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
then why did i get this email
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.