Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
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Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners