Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
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Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Your honor these allegations are
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening