[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
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why am I working on Labor Day
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Happy Febuary everyone!