A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.