If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
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Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
*checks Timeline*…
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u