God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
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If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates