I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
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Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.