My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
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[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.