How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
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If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
So creative 😂
Print is alive and well!!!
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it