If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
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Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.