I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
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GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.