My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
You Might Also Like
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them