I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
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I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Favourite diary entry ever
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Something Saturday.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.