Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
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20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Sometimes I donāt delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
#Thanos #MondayMood
āChildren, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,ā I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
even bears disappoint their mothers
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. š¬
Host: What now? š¤Ø
Me *bids farewell*
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
My kid told me an āold dead girlā lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz Iām never going in there again.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. Itās like yeah that was all uncomfortable but hereās some goodies so youāll hit me up again.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.