[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
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I’m too immature for adultery.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
For the ones in the back.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”