Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
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pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.