Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
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[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
girls literally only want one thing..
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*