My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
You Might Also Like
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
i hope my email finds you on fire
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…