I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
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Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii