Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
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Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal