I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
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[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”