Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
You Might Also Like
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem