super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
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If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want