Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
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Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
#merica
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.