I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
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My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
You can’t outrun your problems…
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS