Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
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Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
The internet is full of many things
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?