Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
You Might Also Like
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.