[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
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HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.