I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
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Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Noted.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?